... countless hours of drowning myself in romantic comedies, with the most recent watched 'Bride Wars'..

... nights with consecutive dreams that left me baffled and perplexed and resorting to online dream interpretations just so that i can peek into my subconscious, which they say, aids in resolving issues..

... listening to advice and sharing and repeating the stories and getting angry all about it..

... swinging from one end of  pure loving kindness graciousness to the other end of hell-hath-no-fury bitterness..

... endless questioning of 'whys' and 'hows' and 'ifs'..

... data-mining on the web for answers to pointed questions, typing in terms which invariably point to a very specific issue..

... going on bended knees and making all sorts of desperate pleas and cries in half-hearted sorrow which is temporarily replaced with the duties and responsibilities of life..

... devouring books from the spiritual to secular which promise to shine light in whatever circumstances you're in, but never ever gives you an exact answer because they always say "the answer comes from within"..

It hit me. Anything that's not within God's plan, He pulls it out. All I have to do is to trust in His sovereignty that it is in His perfect timing and plan.

It's that moment of epiphany which is fleeting, yet so clear that i want to put it down. Because with the passage of time and events thrown into your path, life has its way of clouding a message to a mere human devised one liner used as a crutch to help you through life. Sometimes you even wonder if it's God-inspired or was it just a collision of random ideas in your head. Nonetheless, despite my groggy head because of the drowsy medication, the message was sharp, precise and crystal clear. The last scene of Bride Wars propels this (Emma was supposed to get married to her boyfriend of 10 years but realises at the altar that it's not what she wants) as with a recent situation that a sister faced that was similar to mine, only thing i felt was that she has it tougher than mine.

And i want to hang on to it. For as long as i can. Because i would like to believe that life promises something better, and i just need to wait, for everything to fall into place. Including being a better person, loving myself more, knowing that mistakes made are okay and second chances are given and growing, to be a woman. There will be better days, days like these which i was offered the privilege of a little epiphany, but there will also be days which i feel like crap, not moving, stagnant or even back tracking..

I think i rediscovered the reason why i was really enthusiastic in taking part in all the runs sometime back.

It's the adrenaline rush from completing a race. I always make a dash for the last 80 metres before the finishing line - running as fast as imy legs can carry me just to shave a few seconds off my record timing. I dunno if it's narcisstic - just reveling in the imagined attention that the crowd gives, or just to push myself to overcome my physical limits, but i derive immense satisfaction from it. Which is also the exact same reason why i trekked Mount Kinabalu. It wasn't so much that i wanted to explore a new interest or went nuts (which i suspect was on many's minds ), but it's more of a personal milestone which i wanted to achieve. Because while the trek is as much a physical challenge, mentally it poses a constant trial to the spirit. "Should i give up at this point? Should i wait till the next pondok before taking a rest? Why did i choose to do this for a holiday?!?! Brrrr... It's cold. My muscles are aching. Will my legs give way?"

And it's the same for a race as well. I always think the worst part of a race is when you're done with two thirds or three quarters of it. It is at this point when you completed more than half of the race, and you're contemplating whether you want to stop and start walking instead since it's less than half of it left. But you argue and debated with the lazy voice inside your head that since you're more than halfway done, you might as well go all the way! Finish strong, you know. You go all the way, you want to be proud of yourself, you want to tell others that you didn't stop.. That even when people who's walking strides faster than your little hobble jogs, even when you start to develop stitches and blisters are forming at the ball of your feet and it's so irritable  at the wrong time, even when the muscles contract not to get you faster but each contraction is painful, you pressed on and continued. Slow as you are, eventually, you completed it! In your own little form of perseverance, while your heart is still thumping wildly from crossing the finishing line, that sense of achievement and pride descends and washes over you. YOU DID IT!!!!!!!! To wrap it all up, you gulped down the ice cold 100 plus which never tasted that sweet and shiok in your whole entire life.

It's like as though the physical test can translate into emotional triumphs. That if i can do this for races, i can conquer other aspects of my life as well. And i need these.

I can do it. Finish strong.

~



P.S It's been eons since i last completed a 10km race. And i honestly swear that i didn't train for the Nike Human Race at all. But i told myself i musn't stop, no matter how slow i am. Cut the long story short, I completed it in 1 hour and 23 minutes!!!! Not too far off from my personal best of 1 hour 12 minutes 2 years back. Despite the aches everywhere, it's worth it!

P.P.S Thanks Ian for saying that you still read my blog. That kinda sparked off the inspiration for this bog entry. :)

I forced myself to listen to all the songs which i intentionally shut out all these while.

Yes memories still managed to seep through. But bit by bit, time after time of playing, it gets more numbing.

One day, they'll be replaced with happy memories. :)